“I had lots of secret squirrels that day doing a great many things - but you were my favorite one.”
A year ago, I did not come to work on Monday. In fact, I probably slept in because I knew the next few days were going to be the craziest of my life, thus far. Like moving into the dorm my freshman year of college, but, you know, x100. Tuesday, I went into hyper cleaning mode. I was just 4 days away from making the transition from life partner to wife. I was going to gain a husband. I was 4 days away from the insanity that was my life changing back into the bliss it was before the crazy wedding planning started. 4 days away from the fulfillment of the work and stress and fighting and planning of the past year (and 3 months).
I was 4 days away from donning a dress that I still wish I could wear every day. For laughs I may put it on again this year, maybe. It was my lacy, frilly wonder of a dress that made me feel beautiful without any hair or makeup being done. That’s the only requirement, in my opinion, of what a wedding dress should be. It’s the garment you own that makes you instantly feel sexy, beautiful, and perfect.
My head goes into a spin when I think about my life just one year ago. How things have changed. What makes this past year so much more special that previous years? I guess I’ve been forced to grow up a little faster than usual, or because I’ve reach the age where you learn to embrace (for lack of a better term) your insecurities. Not that they don’t exist, but I’m at peace with them. They are my cross to bear, and bear them I shall.
I’m happy spending an entire weekend at home with Brent just goofing off and cleaning and being lazy - on a regular basis. Yes, I still miss hanging out with my friends, and I’d like to be more social - but I’ve replaced my fear that “no one likes me” with a “so what if they don’t?!” attitude. It’s not that it doesn’t sting when a group of people that I think of as good friends don’t come to my birthday party or all go out together and we’re not invited - BUT - it’s not heartbreak inducing. It’s just more of a “c’est la vie” kind of thing. AND I do have some AMAZING friends who, due to distance or work or the requirements of their own personal lives, are a constant force. Who are there when I need them and provide companionship and entertainment that makes up in quality for what it lacks in quantity.
I love my dogs like they are our children. Even when they are obnoxious or bratty. Or expensive - which is their biggest flaw. But my love for my dogs is another blog for another day.
It’s not that being married has suddenly made me “complete” or made me figure out who I am - quite the contrary. My life, my role in my relationship, and how I prioritize things is ever-changing (and will probably stay that way). I’m not more secure because I’ve got a man “taking care of me”. I have more to worry about now - letting him down, pissing him off, or if he’s going to leave me. (Note, not really worried about this, but the consequences of these actions are bigger than ever, so logically it should be more worrisome)
Four days from today will be the anniversary of the day I married my partner in crime. The day we decided that this relationship was an adventure that needed the stakes to be raised. The day after we contemplated never showing up to the rehearsal dinner and just running away. They day after we didn’t do that. The day I had to coach him through the entire wedding ceremony because he was so deep in his own thoughts that he was NOT paying attention to what was going on (This would probably be good evidence to get the marriage annulled if he wanted to, LOL). The day he didn’t take a single photo at the reception without a beer in his hand. The day we met our friends at Stan’s Blue Note and were the last ones to go home (except for an undisclosed friend who walked home from our apartment because he wasn’t in a state to drive).
The day I woke up at 7:00am and didn’t fall back asleep until 4:00am. Happiest day of my life? Hard to remember, but it was one of the most memorable to date. Only regret? I wish I had someone video the ceremony. I’d love to hear the music and see Brent fidgeting on the altar. Oh well, at least I have great photos and good stories to tell. And the dress - I can always just wear the dress again.